Ignore this.

Umpteenth wedding blabber...

We officially have a photographer.
(curtseys)

Thanks. Come again.

God help me.

I'm told that last night, in my sleep, I demanded aloud that calls be made regarding wedding reception sites.

... as I dreamt about a man forcing me to choose between a plated dinner and buffet service.

Yep. 165 days to go.

I just can't shake it.

If every moment exists as just a bridge between moments past and where we're heading, then time is nothing and the past is now. We are what we will become. And nostalgia is just the recognition of why you are the way you are.

It's a Sunday 5pm, and I'm sitting in the dining room of my house.

But I close my eyes and I'm on the edge of my bed with a teenaged cousin as she tells me shakily that she's pregnant, quickly like she's ripping off a bandage. I'm on the floor of my grandparents' living room on a Christmas morning, surrounded by laughter and the sound of tearing paper. I'm standing awkwardly at the end of every biting junior high boy's remarks wishing I could die or at least be smart enough to bite back. I'm waking silently in the curve of a man's body, blinking at the fuzzy light slipping through the blinds.

We will be because we are... because we were.

80 pages in.

Currently Reading: The Myth of You & Me by Leah Stewart

Feeling: Removed and wriggling.

Watching: The cats bathe each other a little too intensely.

Tonight's Accomplishments: Danced recklessly in the kitchen, tried on a Bailey's and Peppermint Schnapps, read and read and read, shoved a camera in the cats' faces. I feel victorious!

Hearing: Thom II by Rose Polenzani ... "The way you open your mouth, I never learned how."

Contemplating: Wedding planning and the Christmas crush happening simultaneously. And then I implode.

Why can't...

...the English teach their children how to speak?

Maybe this will help: 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words

Because honestly, if you use double negatives and say things like "excape" and "aks" in front of your kids, they should be taken from you to protect their developing minds. The madness has to stop, people.

The madness has to stop.

(hangs head in sadness)

I hear noises...

There's a Tegan and Sara song that has a line something like, "I am disappointed every morning that I wake up."

Yeah, I'm disappointed every night I get into bed... knowing that I'll have to wake up and report for manditory wage slavery.

What's that you say, dark voices in my head? Sell the house and move to the Virgin Islands to peddle alcohol to the islanders? Hmmm... Very convincing.

Otherwise, if you don't hear from me again, it's more likely that I've embedded my skull into my desk. ...And if so, don't feel bad for me; I'm probably better off.

death: noun.

Wheels clawing asphalt across the spot where someone's husband/son/and father suddenly stopped being, just days before this 12:31am, and I stare forward at the white stars shooting behind us on the ground. A semi truck passes going North.

"It's all I can ever think about here anymore," I manage.

"What?" he asks.

"Some axle flying through my windshield. Just driving home one day, and then I'm dead."

Another semi rolled past. Two other cars were heading South. I wondered how long the people inside them had to live.

"It wasn't an axle it was two tires. And they came down on the roof, not through the windshield," he corrected, abruptly.

A half-moment passed and he continued with some addendum of how quick it all would be, but I was already listening to the next song on the stereo as it sang, "...as long as it's talking with you, talk of the weather will do."

God called. He said to stop affiliating yourselves with him.

PATHETIC.

How dare a company whose products are marketed toward and designed for girls support women and their continued legal rights?

I think it's time for conservatives to sail off to some New World to escape all this horrible subjection to liberal ideals. That's it, go ahead... Really. We'll ALL be better off.

Loving the little things #30:

Music on shuffle. Cat in lap. Purring begins every time Death Cab For Cutie comes on.