105 days to go.

Deep Dark Confession #2

This morning as I drove to work, I dug my nails into my steering wheel and said aloud to the cold air, "Maybe if I yanked the wheel and slammed into a ditch someone would suggest a permanent break from work."

Later this morning, I had to stay my hands from scratching deep lines into my face.

I can taste the frustration and anger and desperation at the back of my throat, slinking up like snake, swallowing me from the inside while hissing at me to open my eyes and bite down on the skin. Another day, another week, another month, more skin to peel away until nothing is left but bone and hate.

I may end up hurting myself unless I regain that elusive myth of sanity.
My head hurts.

Mortal terror.

I haven't flown since I was two.

Today, Friday the 13th, I purchased tickets on a 2000 mile nonstop flight.

I feel nauseous.

The Devil is one cool cat.

Okay, so Alito is smooth-talking, unflappable, and rational.

Does anyone else think he smells of death and evil?
Or is that just me?

Resolved.

I don't acknowledge New Year's Eve, but I can still participate in the national New Year pasttime of disappointing oneself. Let's put that frustratingly depressing 2005 behind us and get on with the good...

Resolutions.

• I'm going to stop playing dumb for the benefit of those around me. I've nearly convinced myself that I'm as stupid as I act, and that just won't do.
  
• The ubiquitous: Get as close to fitting into my high school prom dress as possible. ...A girl can dream.
  
• Marry the man I love and not be stressed out about it. I will not worry about the trivialities of a wedding ceremony. I will simply enjoy the day.
  
• I will stop ignoring the world, and attempt to reenter into a dialogue with it, now matter how dejected and despondent that makes me feel.
  
• 2006: The year I stop caring about what other people think.
  

Yeah, that list is doomed.